Now You're Speakin' My Language

I would be delusional thinking you had never heard of "The Five Love Languages." I have to admit, when I first heard about the book, it sounded rather hokey to me. My oldest brother told me about it and he was the same one that said he had "points in his love bank" when he did something sweet, helpful, kind, or loving toward his wife. Then again, the book did come out in 1992. I was young. Silly. Naive.

But, after actually learning about the concept, I concluded that the 5 love languages are actually really helpful to know about. Why? Because I feel really uplifted by certain people and not by others; my parents included, and I figured out why. My mom, for example, speaks my love language (words of affirmation). My dad speaks his own (acts of service) and tries to convey it to me and my siblings. Interestingly enough, I had 3 softball coaches in college in 4 years. Two of them spoke words of affirmation to me. I felt like they shot sunshine, self-esteem, and validation straight into my veins. One of them spoke no words of affirmation and seemed to despise me. When did I break records and play better than I could have imagined? When I was affirmed. I was horrible when I had no affirmation from my coach. Hmm...curiouser and curiouser.

You May Speak Something and Hear Somethinge Else

You might speak a love language and shower friends with gifts or maybe you write effusive, sweet, sentimental cards telling someone how much you care. But, you may receive love in another way. Maybe you really feel loved when someone mows your lawn (pretty please) or gives you a hug or just sits down with you at a coffee shop to chat, hear about your day, and be with you.

We don't get it as well as my mom's. OK, I admit. I've never actually read the book, but I love the concepts. They aren't JUST useful to know in romantic relationships. They apply to all relationships: co-workers, friends, siblings, acquaintences, family, the grocery store clerk, your pastor. It's kind of like the Myers-Briggs Personality Types. It just helps you relate to others a little better. In case you don't know about them, here's a little synopsis:

Words of AFFIRMATION

• Unsolicited compliments mean the world do you.
• Hearing the reasons behind someone's affection and like for you sends your spirit skyward.
• Insults leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
• Actions don't always speak louder than words.

Quality TIME

• Nothing says, "I care about you," like full, undivided attention.
• Really being there with the TV off, fork down, and chores on standby makes you feel special and loved.
• Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving GIFTS

• The receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind a gift.
• The perfect gift or guesture shows that you are known, cared for, and prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you.
• A missed birthday or hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous along with the absence of everyday guestures.

Acts of SERVICE

• Anything done to ease the burden of responsibilities will speak volumes.
• The words you want to most here are, "Let me do that for you."
• Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for you tell you that your feelings don't matter.

Physical TOUCH

• You're not particularly touchy feely.
• Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touch on the arm, shoulder, or face show excitment, concern, and love.
• Physical presence and accessibility are crucial while neglect or abuse are unforgivable and destructive.

Show 'Em You Love 'Em

So, have you wondered why your kind words, thoughtful gift, sacrificial service, hug, or hours raking the lawn weren't received in quite the [incredibly exuberant and amazing] way you imagined? Have you seen the look of disappointment when someone did or said something for you that you didn't really make you jump for joy? Maybe figuring out your love languages in order or those of your closest friend, relative, loved one, or neighbor would speak volumes and help you forge a closer relationship.

Take a Little Test

Take the Five Love Languages Test to find out just where you fall on the continuum. You might have more than one, but there's got to be something that says "I Love and Affirm You" more than the others. They take 30 seconds to complete. Sweet!

There's other tests, too:

For Wives
For Husbands
For Parents of Teenagers
For Singles
For Children

P.S.

My love languages, in particular order if you please are:
Words of AFFIRMATION
Quality TIME
Acts of SERVICE
Physical TOUCH
Receiving of GIFTS

Just in case you were wondering...

Dudes, Dames, and Dancing: A Relationship Metaphor

Have you ever danced with a guy who doesn't know how to dance? It's frustrating. It's unfulfilling. It's downright melancholy. You start to think you are incapable of dancing. And then, a guy asks you to dance who knows what he's doing! You fly around the room, know exactly when to spin right, loop left, and pause. Ahh...it's blissful, isn't it?

Partner dancing can be one of the most fun things to do: Salsa, East Coast Swing, Waltz, Two Step, West Coast Swing, the Lindy Hop... The list goes on. I once had a guy tell me, "I know a guy who can dance makes women swoon. But, I have no idea why."

Women Swoon

I can tell him why. First off...the obvious. Dancing can get your heart pumping, can be rather romantic, you feel good being asked to dance, and is just plain 'ol fun. A guy who can dance is a commanding presence on the dance floor. A woman who can respond to his lead feels secure, cared for, feminine, beautiful, elegant, graceful, and safe. She doesn't have to rise up and tell him what to do. She doesn't have to push him around, tell him when to do a spin, or feel foolish. Women aren't taught to lead in dancing. The couple must have one person to lead and one person to follow. Partner dancing NEEDS a leader. We can't both be telling each other what to do out there or we will run into each other, look foolish, get frustrated, and not work together as one unit. Without that, the dance and partnership will fail.

Submission and Following

A woman's role in dancing is to respond to her lead, a man. The lead's role is to pull the woman's hand to let her know when to turn, push gently on her back, and give other subtle (or obvious) clues of what he wants her to do next. This is vitally important to partner dancing, especially when it's not a rehearsed routine. I know that I can go swing dancing with a complete stranger (if he knows how to swing dance) and have fun.

Reassuring and Validating

A friend of mine is an incredible swing dancer. Incredible. And he makes me feel like an incredible swing dancer when we dance. But, he also knows how to read my limitations. He's not throwing me around the dance floor or doing dangerous moves. He told me, "My job out there is to lead you. To make you comfortable. To take care of you on the dance floor. If you don't get what I'm leading you to do the first time, I'm not going to be frustrated or upset; I'll just do it again until you get it."

How completely reassuring is that?

Do you see where I'm going with this? A man who can partner dance successfully makes me feel completely feminine on the floor. I respond to his lead. I submit to his guidance. I don't fight back when he directs me to turn right or left. He doesn't get mad because I don't know where he's leading; he steps up his game and leads with more strength. He takes care of me. He has command. But, the dance will completely fall apart if I'm not playing my role.

Insight from Mr. Donald

I recently gained some insight and validation from an unlikely source. Donald Miller wrote about What Women Really Need from Men and also What Men Really Need from Women. He states, "It’s important to note that a strong, confident woman is what a guy needs, but it’s not always what a guy wants. Guys who are weak themselves may feel secure with a weak woman, but girls, this is not the guy for you. Strength attracts strength. Feminine strength is incredibly attractive...Girls don’t want a weak guy. People are insecure already, so they don’t want you to be insecure, too."

Femininity and Strength

A guy (on the dance floor or in marriage) does not want a partner that is too shy, nervous, or intimidated to BE a good dance partner. He wants a woman who walks confidently on the floor, waiting for him to lead. He wants a woman strong enough to keep up with him. A woman who loves the dance. A woman who chooses HIM to be her leader. See...isn't dancing a perfect metaphor for a strong, beautiful relationship? Yeah...I think so.

Even my friend Suzanne, a writer for Boundless, had a comment posted to her blog about What Men and Women Really Need. The girl said, "There is a difference, though, between a strong lead and a overbearing lead. You don't want to jerk the girl around, or push her into moves that she's uncomfortable with, which will just end up making both of you feel and look awkward. The best leads are firm, but gentle, and know how to read the girl's abilities to see what she'd be OK with. Girl A might want to be thrown all over the dance floor and do dangerous lifts, but Girl B might only be good with some gentle spins and the basic step. A good lead will be able to tell the difference and lead each girl accordingly -- but he'll also know which type of girl he prefers to dance with, if you will." Well said.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T. and a Good Partner

Donald also says, "A guy who has a serious vision for his life and family is looking for a partner, an advisor, somebody who can work with him to do remarkable things...Self-assurance is beautiful. A choosy girl is beautiful. A woman who does not manipulate with her appearance is beautiful. A girl who is respectful of other people is beautiful."

I respect men who try. Men who want to learn. Men who want to lead. Men who see that role and gladly accept it. I want to partner with him for "the dance" whether that's on the dance floor or in life. I want to help him shine, to be my leader, to be a strong and successful leader, to feel confident, to feel valued and affirmed by me, his dance partner. If I laugh at mistakes, refuse to dance with him because he's not exceptional, or belittle his efforts to learn with me, I am not a good partner. Together, supporting each other and seeing each role as we should, we can do remarkable things out there on the dance floor.

I love dancing with a good, great, or amazing dancer. It's frustrating to be with a guy who's timid, shy, unwilling to lead, or someone who gets frustrated with me because I didn't get what he wanted me to do. So, I don't dance with just anybody.

Life. Is. Adventure.

"My friend John Eldredge says you should be on an adventure, and you should invite them into that adventure. A girl doesn’t really want you to stare into her eyes like a lovesick puppy (at least not for long); she wants you to put your arms around her and stare into the horizon, to the place you are going together."

Dancing is an adventure. You don't know what you're going to do next. A good lead makes it exciting. He mixes it up. He gets creative.

Do I need a guy who can dance? No. Would it be nice. Sure! But no matter who chooses me, I want to be a great partner, advisor, and friend. Now get out there and dance.

Junk Food Relationships: You Are What You Eat

Dear God,

Why did you have to make chocolate cake and ice cream bad for us? Why did McDonald's and Chick-Fil-A make sauces that are more addictive than drugs? Why did you give us the ability to figure out how to make them in the first place? Why can't all junk food be great for us like peppers, carrots, zucchini, bananas, and asparagus?

Sincerely,

All people on the planet Earth

Aren't we all drawn to junk food? Well, OK, maybe you're one of those rare people who can resist or eat in tiny, dainty portions. But junk food is just plain bad for us. It's not that it has little nutritional value, heart healthy benefits, or brain boosting vitamins. It turns to fat cells. Raises our cholesterol. Makes us lethargic. Clogs our aortas. Raises our blood pressure.

Then why do we eat it? It's fast. Easy. Doesn't challenge us. Makes us feel good temporarily. Gives us quick energy. It's cheap. It's available. It's easy to come by. Everybody else is eating it. We're in a hurry.

Junk food is bad for us and so are junk food relationships. “Excuse me?” you ask. Yes, junk food relationships are those most often consumed by girls and women (and some men as well). They are those pseudo dating relationships, hanging out as buddies forever, those that simply don’t feel right for some reason, or those we try to push through even though we know it's not the right thing. Friends end up in these relationships because they simply want to [temporarily] satisfy pangs of loneliness, isolation, the unknown and uncertain future, and the desire to feel beautiful and wanted by someone...anyone.

A friend continuously hung out with guys she would never consider dating or guys who wouldn't commit or tell her what their true intentions were. She said she wanted "at least some guy" to pay attention to her, so she hung in there despite her frustration. I finally told her that it seemed she was willing to put up with only eating junk food. Couldn't she wait for the real meal to come? "Have patience. Stay strong. Don't keep giving little pieces of your heart or emotion to all of these guys." She pondered it for a while and agreed to wait. Four months later, she started dating her now husband...

But, these junk food relationships fail to satisfy. They’re quick, unpredictable morsels that don’t last long, leave girls desiring more [commitment, words of affirmation, love, reliability, stability, romance], and in the end, act to raise our blood pressure in frustration, clogs our arteries in “but why’s”, and does little to get them to marriage as God intended. If they would wait for the meal and satisfy themselves on healthy, beneficial, nutritious relationships that God provides all around, when “the one” shows up, they will be much more able to transition smoothly to a successful relationship, know how to eat the hearty meal that God has provided, and cultivate a lasting relationship with the right guy. (No, I am not saying that guys and girls should not be friends. You know what I'm talkin' 'bout Willis...)

So stop eating junk food relationships and wait for the right person that God has provided. Prepare with prayer, petition, and ceaseless relationship with Him. Don’t let the false temptation of junk food relationships get you down. God is orchestrating events you can’t even imagine. The man that God has been feeding “real food”. And together, you’ll experience a bounteous feast of love, romance, oneness, and, ultimately, a much more satisfying, healthy relationship. Hang in there. You can do it.

"Look at the nations and watch -- and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told." - Habakkuk 1:5